What If You & Me Page 23

  “No, I’m sure she doesn’t,” she agreed. “But sometimes fighting on behalf of someone else helps us remember that our own life is worth fighting for, too.” She gave him a pointed look. “I’ve been worried about you, Hill. Mad at you. But also worried.”

  The bald truth in her tone had him standing up. “I’m okay. Better than I was.”

  She stood and stepped around the desk. “Yeah. I see that. I’m glad.”

  He cleared his throat. “Well, I better get going. Thanks again for being willing to help with this. Call me if you find anything useful?”

  “Of course.”

  Before he realized what she was doing, she stepped forward and put her arms around him, hugging him. On instinct, he returned the hug, the familiar scent of her shampoo drifting upward. It smelled like another lifetime.

  “I’m glad we don’t have to hate each other anymore,” she said, a little catch in her voice.

  He released a breath and gave her back an awkward pat. “Me too, Chris.”

  She let him go and stepped back, straightening her uniform, her cheeks reddening. “God, I’m sorry. Now the hormones are turning me into a hugger.”

  He chuckled at her dismay. “Oh, the horror.”

  “Don’t tell anyone on your way out.” She pointed at him. “I have a reputation to protect.”

  He winked. “Your secret’s safe with me. We’ll talk soon.”

  Hill left her with the screenshots and headed out, feeling lighter than he had in a long time. Hate really did take a lot of energy. He wished the best for Chris, but she no longer got to take up space in his head or his heart. He walked out of the station and finally—finally—let go of what they’d had. It’d only been a story he’d been telling himself anyway. That fairy tale had never been real.

  No more stories.

  No more turning things into what they weren’t.

  Eyes wide open from now on.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Andi traced Hill’s scars gently with a fingertip, her cheek against his chest, her body sated and heavy after an afternoon of seeing who could give the other the more powerful orgasm. He’d won—or she had—depending on how she looked at it. “This hooking-up-with-the-neighbor plan is going to be hell on my daily word count.”

  Hill’s fingers glided along her scalp, combing lazily through her hair. “But think how many realistic sex scenes you can add to your book.”

  She laughed. “I’m going to end up shelved in the erotica section at this rate.”

  “Nothing wrong with that.”

  She let her fingertips follow the trail of hair down to his navel, enjoying the way his belly dipped under her touch and how the sheets twitched where they were draped over his naked bottom half. She loved having this languid time after sex. She’d always known that she was missing out on some level by not having a sex life, but she’d focused on the actual physical act. She’d reasoned that she could give herself an orgasm, so she didn’t need a partner to provide that. But she hadn’t thought about the before times or the after times, those moments of intimacy that could bookend the sex. This felt luxurious.

  “I love this,” she said, her thought slipping out. She winced, wishing she could call it back.

  Hill kept playing with her hair. “What?”

  She watched her fingers map his abdomen. “The full access to touch you,” she said, trying to find a way to explain herself. “It’s a big deal for someone to give another person permission to touch them. That can kind of get lost in the franticness of sex. But that kind of trust is a gift. Not one I give out easily, and I suspect not one you give away freely either. So, I’m…enjoying my season pass.”

  He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. “I like you touching me.”

  “Same.” She closed her eyes and took a fortifying breath, his reaction giving her a little boost of boldness. “Hill?”

  “Yeah?” he said, a sleepy note in his voice.

  Gathering her bravery, she pushed herself up onto her elbow to look down at him. His eyes were at half-mast in the lamplight. God, he was handsome. It wasn’t even fair. How was she supposed to maintain clear boundaries when he was so beautiful and sweet? “Can I be totally honest with you?”

  His eyes opened fully, concern there. “Of course.”

  She rubbed her lips together, nerves fluttering in her belly. “I’m starting to wonder why we’re going the friends route instead of trying to date for real.”

  His forehead wrinkled. “Because we agreed we both weren’t in the right headspace to date someone right now.”

  “Right, I know, but is there really a perfect headspace?” she asked. “Like, will there be an actual day when I’m like… Oh, I’m totes over that trauma and now I’m ready for my real life to start. Hurrah! I mean, what would that even look like or feel like?”

  “Andi…”

  “And what if in order to heal from the trauma, I have to take action instead of waiting?” She pulled the comforter up to wrap around her chest. She couldn’t have this conversation with her boobs out. “What if this could be something, and we’re not even giving ourselves a chance to find out? We’re like boxing it in instead of letting it have the freedom to explore.”

  Hill frowned as he shifted to sit up and lean against the headboard. “Andi, you are taking action. This—what we’re doing—is action. And that urge you’re feeling to turn it into something more, it’s probably because it’s new and you feel safe with me.” Something flickered in his eyes, maybe sadness. “Because of what you went through, you skipped over those first-time experiences, so this is yours. First-time stuff feels intense and more monumental. It’s easy to get attached quickly.”

  “Hill—”

  “I’ve been there,” he said, quietly cutting her off. “It happened to me with Christina. She was the first serious relationship I had, and I made it into something it wasn’t. I’m proof that it doesn’t lead anywhere good.”

  “That’s not what this is,” she said, but doubt was creeping in. “This isn’t because you’re first.”

  He grabbed her hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing her knuckles. “I’m enjoying this time with you. I can’t even tell you how much. But I’m very aware of what this is. I know I’m just the practice guy.”

  “The practice guy?”

  “Yes. With me, you’re learning what you like, how to be comfortable with a guy, how to have fun in bed, how not to be scared. But you’re young and have put your love life on hold a long time,” he said, his eyes searching hers. “You have so many experiences ahead of you—terrible first dates, one-night stands, heartbreaks that teach you what you want, and eventually, the kind of guy you deserve.”

  His words made her throat feel tight. “And you can’t be that guy?”

  He shook his head. “I’m not that guy.”

  She looked away, feeling stupid that she’d put her feelings all out there like that when they’d agreed this was only a friends-with-kissing arrangement.

  Hill squeezed her fingers. “I’m not the guy, but I am your friend. And I love spending time with you, and I love what we’re doing. I don’t want to end this, but I also promised you one hundred percent honesty.”

  She closed her eyes, letting those words roll over her. “You did.” She turned her head and looked at him. “And I appreciate that, but I also am not going to let you tell me how I feel. I don’t feel close to you because you’re first. I feel close to you because you’re you. But I can respect that you don’t want more than what we have going right now. I know I’m trying to change the rules of the agreement we made.”

  He reached out and cupped her face. “I don’t want to end this yet, but I understand if you do.”

  She stared at him for a long second, considering the possibility of walking away right now, of saving herself a heartbreak, of giving this a clean ending. Bu
t she couldn’t form the words. She wasn’t ready to walk away yet, and she knew she wasn’t ready to go out into the dating world at large. If he was her practice guy, then she definitely needed a lot more practice. “I’m not ready to turn in my season pass yet.”

  Relief crossed his face and he smiled. “Thank God.”

  She shifted her body and straddled his waist. “But be careful. You better not fall for me. Keep spending time with me, and you’ll find out I’m pretty fucking awesome.”

  Hill smiled but his eyes remained solemn. “I already know that. I’ve known it from the start.”

  ***

  Hell. Andi didn’t know how on the mark she was. Looking up at her, brazenly naked, her red hair falling around her face, that knowing smirk on her lips… Hill was already sunk. He’d realized it when he’d walked out of Christina’s office. He’d been falling for his neighbor since that first night he’d rushed over to her place. But he’d been telling himself a story again.

  Andi was on a path to her own healing, and he was just a step along the way. It may take her a while to realize it, but he didn’t want to say yes to dating and then have her look up one day and realize she’d settled for the first guy who hadn’t treated her like shit. He didn’t want to be the default choice. He didn’t want to worry that she’d walk away like Christina had when she found a guy who really lit her up.

  He needed to focus on what he could offer her—a friendship and a good time in bed. He slid his hands up her thighs and to her waist. “When do you need me to leave so you can get some writing done?”

  She snorted, making the silver ring in her nose glint. “An hour ago.”

  “Well, if you’re already late…”

  She leaned over and braced her hands on his shoulders, putting her breasts enticingly close to his mouth. “Good thing I’m my own boss.”

  He leaned forward and pressed a kiss between her breasts, loving the way she shivered. “Someone definitely deserves a personal day—and a personal night.”

  Andi shifted down his body, pulling the sheets with her and straddling his upper thighs. “I can grant you the afternoon, but I’m having girls’ movie night tonight.” She dragged a finger over his quickly stiffening cock. “No penises allowed. And you, my friend, definitely have one of those.”

  He groaned at the barely there touch, already starved for her again. “Guess we’ll have to make good use of our time then.”

  “Yes, yes we should.” She arched a brow at him. “And this time, I need you to stay just like this. If you’re my practice guy, I’m ready to get some practice in.”

  His blood heated at the seductive warning in her voice. Andi’s confidence in bed was growing. It was a sight to behold. “I’m all yours, neighbor.”

  “Keep your hands at your sides. For now.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” he drawled.

  She looked at him from beneath her lashes, and he watched intently as she lowered her head and licked across the tip of his cock. Electric awareness radiated outward from the point of contact. He ached to reach out for her, but he wasn’t going to break her rule, so he kept his arms against the bed.

  Andi held the eye contact, bold and brazen, as she took more of him into her mouth, the hot, wet heat of it making every muscle in his body tense with arousal. He couldn’t stop watching her watch him, the connection wildly intense and so fucking erotic that he could barely keep still. This woman was smart and talented and funny, but goddamn, he wouldn’t have suspected that bubbly persona hid a siren.

  He hated knowing that all these years, she’d had to bottle up that part of herself, that someone had hurt her so completely that she couldn’t allow anyone to touch her but herself. He wanted to give her ten years’ worth of pleasure to make up for it.

  Andi lifted her head, releasing him with a soft pop, and then she shifted lower, pulling the sheet with her. Hill tensed when she shoved the covers all the way off, leaving him fully exposed. His heartbeat picked up speed, anxiety creeping in. He’d gotten comfortable enough with Andi to take off his prosthesis when they were in bed, but he’d kept the lights low, and the covers draped in certain ways. “Andi…”

  “Please,” she said softly, her gaze tender. “Let me touch and explore you everywhere.”

  He closed his eyes, inhaled, exhaled. He could feel his cock softening.

  She kissed his thigh. “Trust me, Hill. I think every part of you is sexy.” She pressed her lips to the spot right above the sock that covered his residual limb. “I’m not the only one who needs practice.”

  He opened his eyes at that, found her looking up at him. “Andi, it’s hard…”

  Her expression softened with empathy. “That’s what we do, Hill. The hard things. I know what that pit in your stomach feels like. I felt it the first time you braced yourself over me. But then you made me feel good and safe, and the fear started to fade.” She licked her lips. “You don’t need to be scared of me.”

  “I’m not,” he said, honesty slipping past his lips. “I just… I like the way you look at me. Like you want me. Like I turn you on. I can’t stand the thought of you looking at me with pity.”

  “I do want you. I am turned on—like a lot.” She gave him a pointed look. “I promise this is not about pity. This is about having sex without our elephants.”

  He blinked, the non sequitur throwing him off. “Our elephants?”

  “Yeah, the big ones that tend to hang out in the room with us as soon as we get naked.” She glanced toward her bedroom doorway. “We’ve sent mine into the hall to think about what he did, but yours is still here, knocking things around, making you do acrobatics to keep your leg covered. You need to throw some peanuts out the door and lure his big ass outside.”

  He had the brief vision of a giant elephant swinging its trunk around her bedroom and knocking him and Andi off the bed, which made him forget himself for a second and smile. “That’s quite the visual.”

  “Send him packing, Hill,” she said, cocking her head toward the hallway. “I’m ready to do dirty things to my neighbor.”

  A slow roll of bravery moved through him and he nodded. “Okay.”

  “Yeah?” she asked, gaze searching his.

  “I trust you.”

  “Thank you,” she said, voice soft.

  He let out a breath. “Peanuts have been thrown.”

  Andi bit into her bottom lip, a little smile hiding there, and then instead of going back to his leg like he expected, she braced her hands on the mattress and took his softened cock into her mouth. The feel of the hot cavern of her mouth around him was enough to make all his blood rush south again and away from his spinning brain. His cock swelled against her tongue as she licked and sucked and basically made him forget his own name.

  When his fingers curled into the mattress and he was on the edge of coming, Andi pulled back. He gasped at the loss, but then he sensed her shifting around again. He was afraid to look, but he felt when she put her fingers on the edge of the sock. After a beat, she gently rolled it off, exposing his residual limb and the scars.

  His mouth went dry, but then Andi kissed his knee, her hands gliding over him, caressing lightly down his residual limb, tracing over skin and scars that no one but him and medical staff had touched in a year. Everything went hypersensitive, and a soft moan slipped past his lips, surprising him. His cock flexed, hardening further and aching.

  He forced himself to open his eyes, bracing for what he’d find—a look of concern or disgust or worse, pity. But when his gaze landed on Andi, her eyes were on his face and her cheeks flushed, an obvious look of pleasure lighting her expression. She stroked the tender skin behind his knee and kissed up his other leg until she was back at his straining erection. She cupped his balls, making his back arch, and then she tasted the bit of liquid that had gathered on the head of his cock. She licked her lips and smiled. “Permission to use your
hands now.”

  All his breath whooshed out of him, and he reached for her, hungrier for her than he’d ever been. He settled her above him, straddling him, and then blindly reached out for the strip of condoms he’d put on the bedside table. He quickly rolled one on and then he was guiding her to lift up on her knees.

  The sight of her above him made more than his cock ache. His chest felt like it was going to crack open with all the things he was feeling. But he focused on the moment, on having her as close as possible. She sank down slowly, taking the length of him inside her inch by inch. She was so slick and hot, so obviously turned on by what they’d done, that any niggling doubt he might have had washed away. She couldn’t fake this. This was real. She wanted him, scars and all. When he was seated deep inside her, they both sighed in relief.

  His hands spanned her ribs, and he guided her into a slow, grinding motion that would hopefully drive them both wild. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Andi,” he said between breaths. “You feel so perfect.”

  The words had slipped out, and she tensed, briefly losing her rhythm.

  Too late, he realized he’d said something sweet. He didn’t want anything about this to remind her of the man who’d hurt her. “I’m sorry, I—”

  “Shh. It’s okay.” She planted her hands on his chest, and her head dipped between her shoulders, the ends of her hair tickling his skin as she rocked over him. “I know when you say it, you mean it.”

  Relief moved through him. “I do. I absolutely do.”

  She lifted her head briefly to give him a ghost of a smile and then canted her hips in a way that made them both gasp with pleasure. He held her tighter, guiding her into the move again, and she made soft, needy sounds like she no longer had space left for words.

  He savored the steady build of pleasure, loved the feel of her squeezing him, her body begging to come. Loved that she trusted him enough to let go with him like this. But soon, his own need was eclipsing any control he had left. He put his fingers between her legs, finding her clit and stroking as he pumped inside her. Soon, she was moving faster, her head tipped back and her small breasts bouncing with the effort. Hill couldn’t remember ever seeing a more erotic sight than Andi lost to her own pleasure.