What If You & Me Page 19

  Jesus. Hill’s heart broke for the young, innocent girl Andi had been.

  “And his family was loaded, so they hired the best lawyers, and the cops couldn’t charge Evan with what little they had. So, they moved on to other suspects. And I figured it’d all been a big misunderstanding.” She closed her eyes for a moment before opening them again. “But another victim was killed a month later, and I knew for a fact that Evan had been out that night. I didn’t want to believe it was possible, but I decided to ask him.”

  “God, Andi,” Hill whispered, fear welling in him even though all of this had happened many years ago.

  She made a sound of disbelief. “That’s how dumb I was. It didn’t even occur to me that it could be dangerous to approach him about it. I just didn’t really believe it was possible, but I had to ask. So the next time I met up with him, I let things proceed like normal. He took me to bed, and I told him that he could tell me anything, that I wouldn’t hold it against him, that I loved him.” She grimaced.

  “I know now that it made him angry, me questioning him. But he played it off. He smiled and said, ‘Don’t be silly.’ But then once we started to have sex, his expression changed. He whispered against my ear, If you tell anyone what you know, I will tell the world that you helped me. Because you have. I could never have done this without you. You’ve known the truth for weeks and didn’t say a word. You’ve already lied for me. To the police. You’re in this with me, so let’s not pretend otherwise.”

  All the air left Hill’s chest.

  A tear tracked down Andi’s cheek, and she met Hill’s gaze. “I had to stay calm and let him finish. I had to pretend that yes, I’d already known and that no, I wouldn’t tell on him, that I loved him. Because I knew if I didn’t say that, he’d kill me right there. I could see it in his eyes—the monster that had been hiding behind the facade.” She swiped at her tears.

  “I waited for hours until he fell asleep, his arm over me, thinking I’d die if I made a move too soon, and then I finally snuck out. I ran to my parents and told them everything. Evan had already taken off by the time the cops got there, but they tracked him down a few days later two states away, and he was arrested.”

  “Thank God,” Hill whispered, his mind reeling.

  “My parents and their lawyers made sure my name was kept out of everything since I was a minor, and Evan got convicted on six murder charges and is in jail in Georgia for life.” She met his gaze. “But I spent the next few years having flashbacks, not just of that night and the way it had felt to lie there, knowing he was a killer. I also started picturing his victims, feeling like I was responsible for what had happened to them.”

  Hill put his hand over hers. “Andi, of course you weren’t responsible. You were a kid. Being manipulated by a sociopath.”

  She gave a humorless smile. “My logical brain knows that. The emotional one, not so much, but I’ve come a long way—with lots of therapy. I still have trust issues, and sex got knotted up with all that terror, which has made it hard to untwine, but I’m working on it.” She patted his chest. “With you.”

  His heart broke for her. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

  “Thanks.” She sniffled and gave him a quivery smile. “Aren’t you glad you signed up for this disaster?”

  He frowned. “You’re not a disaster. You’re an amazing woman who has survived something not many could. And you went straight to your parents even while being terrified for your own life, and I’m sure worried what they would think. I’m in awe of you, actually.”

  She looked down. “I shouldn’t have worried about what my parents would think. They didn’t surprise me. They were obviously horrified by what Evan had done to those poor people and that I’d been with him, but they never saw what happened to me as an assault. In their eyes, I’d chosen to be with Evan. They didn’t see me as a victim. I was just a dumb teenager making bad decisions.”

  Hill’s jaw flexed. “But you know that’s not true, right?”

  She nodded. “I do. Now. That took some work. But it’s left me with a bad case of not being able to trust my gut. I’m apparently a really shitty judge of character. Evan sold me a mirage about who he was, and I bought it hook, line, and sinker.”

  “Andi…you can’t… That’s what sociopaths do. That’s not a statement on your judgment.”

  “Isn’t it, though?” She shook her head. “But that’s why I’m telling you all this even though I hate telling anyone about my history. I don’t want to be tied to that girl anymore, and because my name was held out of the news, I can keep it in the past. But if we’re going to continue getting together, you should know what my real fears are.”

  He took her hands in his. “I’m listening.”

  She met his gaze, her blue eyes clear and resolute. “You caging me in against the counter and kissing me? That didn’t scare me. The scariest sex I’ve had was sweet sex. Evan manipulated me with loving words and gentleness, made everything feel like my idea and like I was coaxing him into it.” She pressed her lips together and paused as if choosing her words carefully. “I would almost rather you be the take-charge type—as long as you stop immediately if I say no to something—because that feels safer, more honest. Then it’s about sex and desire and not manipulation. But if you go the sweet, gentle route, whispering loving things into my ear? It may trigger me.”

  Hill absorbed that for a moment, processing her words, and then laced his fingers with hers, stepping into her space. She parted her knees, making room for him to stand between them. He held her gaze, needing her to hear him, to understand. “I can promise you without a shadow of a doubt that I will always listen to no. Or stop or slow down or whatever directions you throw at me. I’ve told you that and I mean it.” When she gave him a little nod, he went on. “Beyond that, whatever you need from me to feel safe or comfortable, just ask. I know I’m not the most talkative guy, but my past is an open book. You can background check me. The fire department does an extensive one.

  “I can give you my ex-fiancée’s number, and you can ask her anything you want about me. She doesn’t like me these days, but she will tell you I’m not dangerous. As for my own background, my mom left when I was young. She passed away a few years later, and my dad has been an addict since I was old enough to remember. My aunt and uncle took me in when I was twelve and are good people. They would tell you anything you wanted to know about me.”

  She looped her arms around his neck, her expression soft.

  “And I’m not in a great place,” he went on, going for the honesty he’d promised himself he’d give her. “I’m dealing with PTSD from the fire, a disability, and depression that makes some days hard, but I’m working on it. I have a pushy neighbor who’s making me.”

  She smiled.

  “But I know one thing for sure.” He met her gaze. “I would never, ever harm you. Your gut is not wrong about me. You are safe with me.”

  ***

  Hill’s words cascaded over Andi, and she closed her eyes, absorbing them. Everything inside her said she could trust him, that he meant it. She wanted to question that internal assuredness. Had taught herself to always question it. But in that moment, she couldn’t muster doubt no matter how much she tried.

  The realization hit her hard. She believed him. Truly believed him.

  She opened her eyes, Hill’s brown-eyed gaze intent on her. She could smell the scent of his shampoo, fresh and minty, and feel the heat of his body wafting against her. She’d looped her arms around his neck and decided now that she didn’t want to let him go. She had never, as an adult, felt this gut-level trust in a man she was attracted to. The possibilities of what she could do with that rolled out in front of her like the most enticing buffet. If she trusted Hill, if she didn’t have to be scared with him, if there was no pressure to make this something romantic, they could…have a whole lot of fun.

  “Hill.”


  “Yes?” he asked, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear.

  “I believe you.”

  Relief crossed his face, the lines in his forehead smoothing. “Thank you.”

  She slid her hand to the collar of his T-shirt and tugged him down. When he was eye to eye with her, she said, “Now let’s get this cooking lesson over with because if I don’t eat, I’m not going to have the energy to show you just how much I believe you. And I really, really want to show you.”

  A slow smile spread over his face. “Yes, ma’am.”

  Yes, ma’am.

  Good Lord. Just that slow-honey voice of his had her skin going hot. This was going to be the longest cooking lesson ever.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Andi’s heartbeat quickened as she turned off her car’s ignition. Hill had parked on his side of their duplex, having left WorkAround a few minutes ahead of her, and by the time she pulled into her driveway, he was leaning against the side of his car, arms crossed casually but expression intent. He lifted a hand in silent greeting. He looked so tall, broad, and confident in the golden light shining from the porch, and her body gave a kick of appreciation. That guy was the friend she now had permission to touch. How the hell had she landed here? She’d somehow hit the friends-with-benefits lottery. Now she had to find the guts to cash in that ticket.

  They’d had a great dinner in the WorkAround kitchen and had laughed their way through the video despite the somber conversation beforehand. Hill had given her approval to post a video, but she had no idea if she’d even have enough usable material to share with her followers. At this point, she didn’t care if she had a single shareable minute. She and Hill had cooked together, joked around, and she’d manage to make a delicious bowl of spicy pasta with his guidance. It’d been like an exorcism, chasing the demons out of the room with a relentless commitment to having a good time.

  But now they were back home, and she was going to have to face one of her biggest fears—taking this to the next level. She knew without a doubt that Hill would end the night right now if she asked him to. If she told him she wasn’t ready for anything tonight, he’d walk into his side of the duplex. But she didn’t want to tell him to do that. After the playful kissing and touching they’d done in the kitchen tonight, she was aching for more of that connection, that feeling of normalcy with a guy. She wanted to touch him without fear, wanted to be touched without panicking.

  Her nerves were pushing at the edge of her brain, an army always on call, but she refused to let them take over this time. If panic showed up to the party, she’d deal with it when it came. Right now, she wasn’t going to overthink this. You’re okay. You’re safe.

  Hill headed over to her and pulled open her car door, ever the gentleman. Or maybe he was afraid she’d never get out on her own—a distinct possibility if she let her panic take over. Andi smiled, grabbed her purse, and took his hand as she climbed out. “Why, thank you, kind sir.”

  He gave a little bow and shut her car door. “My pleasure. You okay?”

  “Yep,” she said a little too brightly. She glanced toward the front porch, reality rushing in and making her hesitate, the weight of this decision heavy on her. “I’d offer you a glass of wine, but I’m all out. I might have beer. Or hard liquor. I’m not sure. But—”

  He squeezed her hand, gently cutting her off. “You’re nervous.”

  She cringed. “That obvious?”

  He gave her a pointed look. “It’s okay, you know. To change your mind.”

  She swallowed past the lump in her throat, frustration welling. “Ugh. I don’t want to change my mind. That’s not what this is. It’s just…old habits die hard. I’m getting in my head about it. I trust you, and still, my mind wants to overthink every little thing. I mean, look at you.” She flicked her hand toward him. “Who wouldn’t want to have sex with you?”

  Hill laughed. “Lots of people, I’m sure, but I’m real glad you’re not one of them.”

  She tipped her head back. “I’m sorry I’m being weird.”

  “Hey.” He tugged her closer, tucking her hand against his chest. “I love your weird. No apologies needed for that, but maybe I can help with the overthinking.”

  She lifted her head and eyed him. “How?”

  He reached down with his free hand and pulled her phone out of the front pocket of her purse. He handed it to her. “Call your friend. The one who knows about our situation and your past. Tell her you’re with me and that you’re spending the night at my place. Send her a photo of me. Cover all your bases.”

  Andi wet her lips. She knew doing all of that was unnecessary. She really did trust Hill, but the fact that he didn’t mind that she went over the top with her safety measures made her breathe a little easier. She took her phone from him, snapped a photo, and then texted it to Eliza. Once it had gone through, she hit the button to call her friend.

  Eliza answered almost immediately. “Hey, girl.” A pause. “Whoa. Who’s the dude?”

  “Hey, Eliza,” Andi said, staying close to Hill. “That’s my neighbor, Hill Dawson.”

  “Oh, wait, the neighbor?” she said with delight. “Damn, you’ve got good taste. Hot werewolf, indeed.”

  Hill smiled, and Andi realized he could hear every word. Her cheeks heated. “I’m going to be staying at his place tonight, next door to mine. He wanted me to let you know so that I feel better, having a friend know where I am and who I’m with.”

  “He wanted you to call me?” she asked. “I’m impressed. You feel good about this?”

  Andi let out a breath. “I do.”

  “Hallelujah, praise Jesus,” Eliza said. “Give him the phone.”

  “Wait, what?” Andi asked.

  “You heard me,” Eliza said impatiently. “Come on, I promise I’ll be nice. Let me talk to him.”

  Hill had heard all of that because he lifted his hand. She reluctantly handed him the phone.

  Hill stepped back a little. “Hello.”

  Andi couldn’t hear at the increased distance, and she frowned because Eliza was apparently going to say more than hi.

  Hill nodded. “I understand… Yep…of course.” Then he laughed, his gaze darting to Andi. “I promise. Happily.”

  He said goodbye and then handed the phone back to Andi. Andi put it to her ear. “What the hell did you say?”

  She could almost hear Eliza grinning over the phone. “Hot damn. Even his voice is sexy. You have fun, girlie.”

  Before Andi could respond, Eliza ended the call. Andi groaned and slipped the phone back into her purse. Hill was still smiling.

  “What’s with the look?” She put a fist on her hip. “What did she say?”

  “Not much,” he said with a little shrug. “Just that if I hurt one hair on your head, she’d personally cut my balls off and use them for Christmas ornaments.”

  Andi’s eyes widened. “Oh my God.”

  “And that I better give you the best sex of your life and not be some selfish asshole in bed because her friend, Andi, is a goddess who deserves to be worshipped.”

  Andi put her hand over her eyes, mortified. “I love her, but I’m going to kill her.”

  Hill grabbed her wrist and tugged her hand down gently, his gaze twinkling with amusement. “Don’t be mad. I happen to agree with her. I promised I’d give it my all.”

  Andi let him pull her into an embrace. “My nerves have now shifted into mortification. I sound like a charity project. ‘Please sleep with my poor friend. She needs all the help she can get.’ Someone should make signs: Orgasms for Andi. Please Donate.”

  “Stop.” His hand slid down to her waist and squeezed. “You are not a charity project.” His voice was quiet and deep when he spoke again. “You’re a fucking fantasy, Andi. My fantasy. I’ve wanted you since that first night you opened your door wearing your Wonder Woman pajamas.” The wor
ds sent a ripple of heat through her. “And I know this is scary for you, but maybe it will help you to know it’s scary for me, too.” He touched his forehead to hers. “I haven’t been with anyone since my accident. The thought of you seeing me naked, without my prosthesis…”

  She lifted her head to look at him, surprised. “You don’t have to be afraid of that. I think you’re gorgeous.”

  There was vulnerability in his eyes. “Thank you, but that doesn’t mean the fear’s not there.”

  She nodded, understanding that better than anyone. She pushed up on her toes and brushed her mouth against his, suddenly less afraid. “Ready to go inside?”

  “I am,” he said, holding her gaze. “Are you?”

  “I’m ready,” she said, quiet firmness in her voice. “Stop me from overthinking this.”

  A little smile touched his lips. “I can do that.”

  He took her hand and led her to his door. Her heart was pounding as he unlocked it and let them inside. But the minute he shut the door behind them, he turned to her, pinning her with a look of resolve that had her breath catching. “I’m going to do what you asked—what you told me earlier that you’d prefer—but know that the minute you say stop or slow down, I’m going to listen. Every time.”

  What she’d asked. For him to take charge. For him not to treat her like Evan had. Her mouth was dry, so she nodded.

  “And all those sweet things you don’t want to hear?” he said, bracing a hand on the door next to her and leaning close. “I’m going to keep them to myself after this. But know upfront that I think you’re beautiful and smart and I feel honored that you’re trusting me.”

  She closed her eyes and a shiver went through her. “Thank you.”

  “Now,” he said, pressing a kiss to the tender spot behind her ear and slipping his hand beneath the hem of her dress, his thumb tracing over her outer thigh. “I’m going to keep my promise to your good friend Eliza. You stay just like this for me, neighbor.”

  She opened her eyes at the softly spoken command and found Hill’s gaze sparking with heat. He dipped his head to kiss her, his mouth meeting hers with tender urgency. His tongue teased against hers as his hand traced along her bare thigh up to her hip, sending tingling awareness through her and coaxing her out of her head and into her skin. Her fingers gripped his left bicep, the muscles thick and unyielding. Lord, the arms on this guy. She wanted to rub herself on him like a cat.